You may remember in my “23 things I’ve learned in 23 years” I mentioned in one of the points about an experience I had when I judged a man and then realised my judgement was false and unfair. I felt terrible but it’s a specific moment that I recognise I grew from and as such inspired me to write this particular post. It all started when a man approached me one day while I was waiting at an intersection and immediately I was on edge because I had perceived him to be dangerous. After discovering that he was just trying to do a good deed I realised that I had formulated an opinion based on his appearance.

We’re all guilty of judging people in some way or another and despite our good intentions it’s still something that occurs essentially every day. There are many reasons that we judge people and it can vary from small or even bigger issues. I’m writing this post mostly for myself as a way to learn, read and share how important it is to be more self-aware when we make these assumptions. I am in no way an expert on this topic or immune to inflicting my perception on others.

We immediately begin to develop an initial impression of people when we first meet them. We’re unconsciously deciding if we like this person or if they’re someone we could be friends with and it’s all just a personal perception. There’s so many factors that can determine the different conclusions we make about other people based on our impressions. What if the person you meet is having an “off day” (we all have them) they might say something that you believe is “rude” and you’ve then concluded that they’re an unkind person when truly they’re just going through something. What if you meet someone who is quiet, you may take it personally and think they’re snobby when really they’re just a bit shy at first and need some time to warm up.

First impressions aren’t always an accurate representation of what a person is really like and it has more to do with you then the person you’re meeting “not making a good impression.” We base it on an observation that we perceive to be true and impose it on someone, ultimately believing our thoughts/judgments and take it as facts. Think about how often you make this kind of judgment every day. When you visit the grocery store, you draw conclusions about the cashier or when you meet with a new co-worker.

I did some reading online to incorporate different ways to stop this natural instinct of judging and I found this story/metaphor that psychologist Tara Brach often uses: “Imagine you are walking through the woods and you see a small dog. It looks cute and friendly. You approach and move to pet the dog. Suddenly it snarls and tries to bite you. The dog no longer seems cute and you feel fear and possibly anger. Then, as the wind blows, the leaves on the ground are carried away and you see the dog has one of its legs caught in a trap. Now, you feel compassion for the dog. You know it became aggressive because it is in pain and is suffering.”

“Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering.” – Don Miguel Ruiz

I really appreciate the above quote because occasionally I struggle with taking things too personally. I assure you that I can have a good laugh and I’m often self-deprecating, however there are times when I will remind myself that sometimes people won’t always say nice things or be as outwardly pleasant as you would hope, so do not concern yourself with worrying if it was directed at you.

The most important thing that we can do is “try” try to catch yourself before you speak, or assume something about someone. If someone sends a nasty email do not react in a way that could cause more harm or drama. You cannot take your words back. Take a moment and try to understand where they may be coming from and respond in a positive or unbiased way.

Lots of love and always remember, to be present in life.
Leticia xx

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