It seems like once a year or so I get around to doing a blog post. I told myself this year I’d be more involved in pride month by sharing more of myself and my thoughts on matters that really mean something to me. Although pride month is over, I’ve realised I can celebrate pride any time of the year. I honestly get so emotional sometimes when I think about how proud I am of myself and others to have the courage to show the world who we are. I just wanted to say to anyone in the LGBTQ+ community reading this that you’re amazing and keep being you.

Now I’d also like to preface this by disclaiming that I am by no means saying that being a femme lesbian is any more challenging than being another type of lesbian or more challenging than the struggles anyone from the LGBTQ+ community face or anyone else experiencing discrimination.  This is just my experience and I personally relate to these common annoyances that happen often in my life.

“No, you’re too pretty to be gay,” “Ugh what a waste of a woman” “You don’t look gay.” Just some of the comments femme lesbians hear when coming out to people who think they’re paying us a compliment, but are genuinely unaware that they’re making a rude or annoying assumption. I have to laugh sometimes when I hear what people say to me when I come out, but I try to remember that it’s important to gently correct and educate them on their mistake.  I do understand that these assumptions aren’t meant to be malicious, however I think it’s time people start to be more aware of how harmful it can be to assume something about someone based on their appearance.  These assumptions are based on a stereotypical view that all lesbians look a certain way and to that I ask, what does a lesbian look like?

I’ve shared with you my coming out experience but overtime I’ve come to realise that “coming out” isn’t just a onetime thing. Truthfully I continue to come out to parents I work with, to doctors, to people who serve me at a store and that’s just in the last couple of weeks. It’s very often assumed that I’m straight so it can be hard and awkward when I correct people that my partner is actually a “she.” I’ll be having small talk with someone I’ve just met or opening up to someone about my life and I’ll mention “my partner” from Canada. They’ll respond by using the pronoun “He” and I could easily go along with the narrative they have in their head but I choose to correct them when I feel safe to do so, or when I get the impression they may be open minded and accepting of it. I can’t speak for every LGBTQ+ person, but my experience is that I still get a little nervous when I come out to someone new. I brace myself, ready for a bad response, but I still choose to come out because I’ve worked too hard to create the life I dreamed of and I refuse to deny who I am to myself or anyone. I choose to come out in hopes that it may normalise our love, to educate people that we are in your communities and we are teaching your children, we are doctors, nurses and we do not deserve judgement or your belief that we are less than because we love who we love. I come out to educate people that clothes do not define sexuality and that the LGBTQ+ community is a rainbow including different demographics, we come in all shapes, sizes and colours.

Now I want to share some personal stories to put it into perspective. My girlfriend sent me flowers one day for my Birthday and I mentioned to the lady delivering the flowers that my “partner” ordered them all the way from Canada, she assumed my “Boyfriend” had sent them and I had to correct her. She immediately apologised for assuming, which was very kind of her, however it kind of ruined the moment for me. There was another time when I was on a New Year’s Eve date with a woman who is also more feminine. The waiter serving us was an older gentleman who was very kind and when we were paying for the meal he asked us if we were sisters, when we clearly look nothing alike. We both laughed nervously saying no, not really sure what to say or maybe not feeling comfortable enough to out ourselves. Has anything like that happened to you as a straight person?

Going to the doctor and having to explain how you are sexually active and not on birth control and there is still no possible chance that you are pregnant.

I hate to admit it, but it’s also a problem in the minority groups within the LGBTQ+ community. We bring each other down and I’ll never understand why after you have been discriminated against in your life, would you then want to put that on someone else. I can go to a gay bar or club and lesbians assume that I’m the “straight friend” or the girl “experimenting.” It makes me feel so invalidated and can be so hurtful purely because I like to wear makeup or wear a dress. Bisexual people are constantly invalidated and misunderstood as “becoming straight” if they fall in love with someone of the opposite sex, but that’s another entire post I could talk about.

There is another side of being a femme lesbian and I would be making a mistake if I didn’t mention that being more feminine helps me to fly under the radar. It helps me to avoid the looks and second glances and any hateful people who may make offensive comments. In other words, I’m less likely to experience discrimination because I can “pass as straight.” Whereas some butch lesbians or even straight women who present as more masculine may experience more discrimination because of this stereotype. This is also due to normative gender roles that are imposed on everyone from day one. In other words, all the things we expect from men and all the things we expect from women, for no other reason than what is between our legs from the day we are born. It is deemed that all women are meant to be feminine, all men are masculine and a lesbian could not possibly be feminine. I’ve been researching and educating myself more on gender roles and I’m working on another post about this because I find it very interesting.

I think if there’s one thing I’d like to end on, it’s that assumptions about someone, regarding their appearance, sexuality, race, gender, profession, religion or whatever it may be is entirely someone’s perception of what they think is true or what they’ve been brought up to believe.  We all, including myself, need to make a conscious effort to reconsider our assumptions/judgements when meeting someone new.  

Lots of love and always remember, to be present in life.
Leticia xx